10 Reasons I Just Can’t Be On A Diet Right Now

It’s happened.  The Victoria’s Secret catalog is in your mailbox, there’s a definite increase in tanning bed commercials on the radio, and Target has traded out it’s scarves for bikinis. It’s time. Despite the layer of snow on the ground, you come to the realization that your spring break/girls weekend/get-me-the-f-out-of-this-tundra-trip is only a few weeks away. A quick glance in the mirror reminds you that the last couple of months of hibernating with your DVR and a box of Thin Mints hasn’t exactly done you any favors.  

After googling “best way to lose ten pounds in two weeks” you realize you only have two options…

1. Give up solid foods and hire Jillian Michaels.
2. Just give up.

Today I’m coming out publicly in favor of option 2. Here are 10 reasons why I just can’t be on a diet right now:

1. No one likes to be friends with the girl on the diet.  It’s the worst.  You basically are on permanent house arrest.  And to the people who say, “Why don’t you just go out and not eat/drink?” UH, I do not trust myself, that’s why.  Would you take a person with a gambling problem to Vegas and tell them to just look at the casinos? What kind of sick person are you?

2. Chipotle exists.

Hello lover. 

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3. I will not give up boozy brunches. Brunch is my religion.  Long live mimosas.

4. I’m so sick of Greek yogurt.  I bet Greece is over it at this point.

5. Girl Scout cookies are only here for a couple of months of the year. I can’t just ignore them. That’s rude. And I’m really into supporting the community and whatnot.

6. I’m never gonna look like Nina, Lily or Chrissy, so really, what’s the point?

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7. Spaghetti squash: you aren’t fooling anyone. To even borrow the name “spaghetti” is disrespectful to pasta lovers everywhere.  I’m opposed to food that lies. Kale chips? You are just burnt kale. There is a reason Lay’s doesn’t sell you… You are gross. And you are not a chip. Don’t even get me started on tofu.

8. I cannot go into Whole Foods without dropping $100.  I am not made of money.  I guess skinniness is a condition for the rich.  Bummer.

9.  Am I supposed to just stop eating when I watch television?  What is Scandal without a glass of wine? House of Cards without stress eating a box of literally anything? Stupid, that’s what it is.

10. McDonalds has announced it’s considering extending breakfast hours past 10:30.  Thus I will need to order an egg McMuffin (or three) this weekend as a sign of my support.

Enjoy swimsuit shopping ladies…

Thank God I Was Born in the 90s(ish)

Sure, there are plenty of reasons that being born within 5ish years of 1990 really blows:

  • “Dating” = opening an app, looking at a person’s picture, and sliding them to your “yes” or “no” pile (that’s why I’m single, okay Grandma?!). [To my older readers, yes this is a real thing. It’s an app called Tinder, and it’s proof that we are a society in decline.]
  • Obsessive use of WebMd. On any given day, I have about two weeks to live, Have you heard of Pig Flu? I think I have Pig Flu.
  • Generally, we can’t drive a stick-shift, operate a record player, or use a phone book.  Basically, if it doesn’t have a touch screen, we don’t get it.

But the other day it dawned on me, that if I were born literally any other decade of the last century, I would’ve had a very short, miserable life. Natural selection would’ve kicked in, and I would most certainly die churning my own butter, or of a severe paper-cut from my Rolodex. Here are a few reasons why you should remember that you grew up #BLESSED.

Google

There is not a question I cannot answer. As long as you give me eight seconds, I am the smartest person in the room.  I use Google at least 19 times a day (sorry Bing). What’s the capital of Sri Lanka?  How many ounces in a quart? What’s Justin Bieber’s middle name?  Who’s Adele’s baby daddy? I think we forget that our parents and grandparents didn’t grow up in a world where these pertinent questions could be answered instantaneously.  Be thankful. (Answers: Colombo, 32, Drew, and a dude named Simon Konecki, respectively).

Maps

I think there are probably only seven times within the last year where I got in the car and actually knew where I was going. I just fire up my Maps app, and we’re good to go… Can you imagine the anxiety of being lost and not having Siri guide you to the light?  The horror. Plus, have you tried to read a real map recently? You have to turn them, yourself. With your own hands. Barbaric.

Cell Phones

I mean, this is obvious. But let’s play a game- try and go an hour without using your phone. Half of you are already “out,” because you’re reading this from your phone. I cannot imagine my life sans-cell. How would I tell people that I’m running late?  How would I pre-order my Chipotle? How would people understand how good my dinner was if I COULDN’T INSTA IT FROM THE RESTAURANT?! Good God.

And the list goes on…

Facebook: Blind dates used to be a whole lot more “blind.” Terrifying. NO thanks..

Computers: I just don’t understand what people did all day at work? Like, imagine your current job, and now imagine doing it with a typewriter…?

Mobile Banking: Balance a checkbook? Mmm how bout, no.

Netflix/OnDemand/DVR: How did people decide between The Grammys and The Bachelor Wedding if they’re both on at 8?

So, the next time you see your parents, your coworkers, or really any stranger about 30+, give them a hug, tell them you’re sorry.  They grew up in a much crueler world.

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AND on top of all this, we we were lucky enough to grow up with some the best music this world has ever seen. #TBT

20: The New Toddler.

Each morning I wake up slightly dumber than I was the day before.  It’s happening to all of us. It’s an epidemic. Or a pandemic? I don’t remember the difference. You don’t either. SEE?!  We’re dumb.

For years we’ve believed that we gain intelligence as we age… that’s just how it goes, right? Nope.

Theory: You are your least intelligent in your mid-twenties. You are no longer as sharp as when you dedicated eight hours of your day to learning, and you’re not old enough yet to impart any sort of wisdom on anyone.  Essentially, this is how life goes:

0-5 years old: Be cute, and people will love you.

6-18 years old: Recite some Shakespeare or a couple of periodic elements, and people will be proud of you.

19-22ish years old: Have some beer, and people will like you.

22ish-29 years old: YOU ARE AN IDIOT. EVERYTHING YOU ARE DOING IS WRONG, AND EVERYONE HATES YOU.

30+ years old:  Say whatever you want, and people will believe you. 

If you have doubts, my twentysomething friends, that we are the dumbest creatures on planet Earth, take some examples from my personal life:

  • There was once a time that I could use something called the Pythagorean theorem (yeah, idk?!), and now I can’t even calculate a 20% tip for the Pizza Hut guy without whipping out my tip calculator app. #idiot
  • In grade school, I was able to recite all 50 state capitals from memory… It recently took me twenty minutes to remember my SnapChat password. #idiot
  • I used to write 10 page papers, no problem…Today I went to draft an email and I couldn’t even form words. What’s the past tense of reach? Reached?  Why does that sound funny? The past tense of teach is taught, so the past tense of reach is probably raught, right? Wrong. If it weren’t for spell check, I would’ve been fired months ago. #idiot
  • AND, apparently your emotional intelligence goes all Benjamin Button too… Last month my dvr didn’t record Scandal, and I cried.  Like actual tears.  I got so worked up that I almost forgot I could watch it on-demand. Tears continued to flow the entire episode. #idiot
  • I can no longer dress myself.  I can’t seem to figure out what is an appropriate outfit choice for each of the occasions in my life.  Like, I understand that leggings at work are generally a no-go, but like am I supposed to be in “real-person clothes” when I go the grocery store? The dentist? Ugh. Do I need to have a pair of khakis in my wardrobe? I hate khakis. Does adulthood = owning khakis? #idiot

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Plus, it’s not unusual for me to look like this after a meal. #idiot

PS-

Hey #idiots, I’m on that twitter thing: @20_nothings #chirpchirp

10 Things From Your Teenage Years That You Definitely Don’t Miss

This blog is essentially dedicated to whining about life in your twenties. Filing your taxes.  Applying for health benefits.  Rush hour traffic. Trying to decode if someone is flirting or just being nice.  These are all things we must deal with as twentysomethings, and they suck. But a recent trip to the mall reminded me that life as a teenager (might) suck more. I was at Forever21, (probably a sign that I need to just stop shopping there, but they have scarves for like $4. FOUR DOLLARS.) when all of a sudden I realized I was in a swarm of fourteen year-olds.  Momentarily blinded by their braces and pink UGGs, and choking on their over-applied Victoria’s Secret body spray, I took my scarf and got the hell outta there. Anyway, this (traumatizing) experience got me thinking about things I bet you don’t miss from your early teens:

  1. Buying a blue shirt at Hollister, only to walk out and realize it’s actually green. Apparently even though they’re selling t-shirts that say stupid stuff like “Surf Club” to a bunch of kids who’ve never been to California for $45, they still can’t afford to turn on the lights.
  2. Using your parents as a taxi service. For everything. And hating them when they picked you up too early (omg embarrassing) or too late (did you forget you had a kid, Mom?!).
  3. Low-ride jeans that pretty much started a solid four inches below your hip bones. “I hope I don’t have to bend down today.” My daily prayer from about 2003-2008.
  4. T9. Running out of texts per month. Flip phones. 
  5. Drinking fake drinks from Starbucks. “Um hi, can I have Strawberries & Cream Frappuccino?” YOU CAN, BUT YOU SHOULDN’T.
  6. Lying. “Are Jessie’s parents okay that you’re spending the night?” Aw, that’s cute that you think her parents are gonna be there. “What are you kids up to tonight?” Pictionary..?
  7. Secret liquor cabinet mixology. Okay, so my parents won’t notice if I take a little bit from each bottle… So how about I just put them all in one empty water bottle and bring it to the party? Yum.
  8. “Call me when you get there.” (except… ten years later I still have to do this.)
  9. Stressing over about which friends would make it in your MySpace “Top 8”… *~ LoVe YoU GiiRlsSs ~*
  10. Smelling like the set of Magic Mike every time you left Abercrombie… and weirdly liking it?

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Hey Mom, thanks for being chill about the child pornography on the walls whilst we shop. xo.