10 Reasons I Just Can’t Be On A Diet Right Now

It’s happened.  The Victoria’s Secret catalog is in your mailbox, there’s a definite increase in tanning bed commercials on the radio, and Target has traded out it’s scarves for bikinis. It’s time. Despite the layer of snow on the ground, you come to the realization that your spring break/girls weekend/get-me-the-f-out-of-this-tundra-trip is only a few weeks away. A quick glance in the mirror reminds you that the last couple of months of hibernating with your DVR and a box of Thin Mints hasn’t exactly done you any favors.  

After googling “best way to lose ten pounds in two weeks” you realize you only have two options…

1. Give up solid foods and hire Jillian Michaels.
2. Just give up.

Today I’m coming out publicly in favor of option 2. Here are 10 reasons why I just can’t be on a diet right now:

1. No one likes to be friends with the girl on the diet.  It’s the worst.  You basically are on permanent house arrest.  And to the people who say, “Why don’t you just go out and not eat/drink?” UH, I do not trust myself, that’s why.  Would you take a person with a gambling problem to Vegas and tell them to just look at the casinos? What kind of sick person are you?

2. Chipotle exists.

Hello lover. 

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3. I will not give up boozy brunches. Brunch is my religion.  Long live mimosas.

4. I’m so sick of Greek yogurt.  I bet Greece is over it at this point.

5. Girl Scout cookies are only here for a couple of months of the year. I can’t just ignore them. That’s rude. And I’m really into supporting the community and whatnot.

6. I’m never gonna look like Nina, Lily or Chrissy, so really, what’s the point?

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7. Spaghetti squash: you aren’t fooling anyone. To even borrow the name “spaghetti” is disrespectful to pasta lovers everywhere.  I’m opposed to food that lies. Kale chips? You are just burnt kale. There is a reason Lay’s doesn’t sell you… You are gross. And you are not a chip. Don’t even get me started on tofu.

8. I cannot go into Whole Foods without dropping $100.  I am not made of money.  I guess skinniness is a condition for the rich.  Bummer.

9.  Am I supposed to just stop eating when I watch television?  What is Scandal without a glass of wine? House of Cards without stress eating a box of literally anything? Stupid, that’s what it is.

10. McDonalds has announced it’s considering extending breakfast hours past 10:30.  Thus I will need to order an egg McMuffin (or three) this weekend as a sign of my support.

Enjoy swimsuit shopping ladies…

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