20: The New Toddler.

Each morning I wake up slightly dumber than I was the day before.  It’s happening to all of us. It’s an epidemic. Or a pandemic? I don’t remember the difference. You don’t either. SEE?!  We’re dumb.

For years we’ve believed that we gain intelligence as we age… that’s just how it goes, right? Nope.

Theory: You are your least intelligent in your mid-twenties. You are no longer as sharp as when you dedicated eight hours of your day to learning, and you’re not old enough yet to impart any sort of wisdom on anyone.  Essentially, this is how life goes:

0-5 years old: Be cute, and people will love you.

6-18 years old: Recite some Shakespeare or a couple of periodic elements, and people will be proud of you.

19-22ish years old: Have some beer, and people will like you.

22ish-29 years old: YOU ARE AN IDIOT. EVERYTHING YOU ARE DOING IS WRONG, AND EVERYONE HATES YOU.

30+ years old:  Say whatever you want, and people will believe you. 

If you have doubts, my twentysomething friends, that we are the dumbest creatures on planet Earth, take some examples from my personal life:

  • There was once a time that I could use something called the Pythagorean theorem (yeah, idk?!), and now I can’t even calculate a 20% tip for the Pizza Hut guy without whipping out my tip calculator app. #idiot
  • In grade school, I was able to recite all 50 state capitals from memory… It recently took me twenty minutes to remember my SnapChat password. #idiot
  • I used to write 10 page papers, no problem…Today I went to draft an email and I couldn’t even form words. What’s the past tense of reach? Reached?  Why does that sound funny? The past tense of teach is taught, so the past tense of reach is probably raught, right? Wrong. If it weren’t for spell check, I would’ve been fired months ago. #idiot
  • AND, apparently your emotional intelligence goes all Benjamin Button too… Last month my dvr didn’t record Scandal, and I cried.  Like actual tears.  I got so worked up that I almost forgot I could watch it on-demand. Tears continued to flow the entire episode. #idiot
  • I can no longer dress myself.  I can’t seem to figure out what is an appropriate outfit choice for each of the occasions in my life.  Like, I understand that leggings at work are generally a no-go, but like am I supposed to be in “real-person clothes” when I go the grocery store? The dentist? Ugh. Do I need to have a pair of khakis in my wardrobe? I hate khakis. Does adulthood = owning khakis? #idiot

image

Plus, it’s not unusual for me to look like this after a meal. #idiot

PS-

Hey #idiots, I’m on that twitter thing: @20_nothings #chirpchirp

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