It’s been a few years since we last spoke (thanks again for the Razor Scooter…Christmas 2001 was LEGIT), but this year I have some different things in mind. Please take notes:
- Unlimited cell phone upgrades. Asking a friend to borrow an iPhone charger just to realize that my janky iPhone 4 isn’t compatible with the new chargers is one of the more shameful experiences I’ve had in my adult life. I might as well have a flip phone. iNeed a new one, like yesterday.
- An Instagram filter that actually makes you look better… “Kelvin” makes me look like I’m on fire, “Amaro” washes me out, and we both know I’m not quite pretty enough to be on Team #NoFilter.
- An easy-to-administer gluten intolerance test. If I have to listen to one more friend say: “like, I’ve been cutting back on gluten, and I feel sooo much better, you should try it!”…I’m gonna lose it. Girl, I know what you ordered at dinner last night; Newsflash, fettuccine alfredo ain’t gluten-free. Hush.
- A dozen cronuts. Is it a croissant? Is it a donut? Is it in my mouth? No, but it needs to be. Gotta see if it’s worth the hype.
- Another season of Breaking Bad. I just miss them so much.
- A phone setting that asks “are you sure you want to send that?” before each text. And an alert that reminds you that your Mom has a Facebook before you share photos, ugh.
- A boyfriend. (Worth a shot.) I heard Ryan Gosling was available?
- Drinks that cost less than $8.
- More emojis. Recommendations: black people, gay people, a shot glass— Santa, the options are endless, go crazy. (But it is kinda weird that you get your own emoji, and black people don’t have one… )
- Netflix. Always Netflix.