Don’t get me wrong, Miley is a hot mess. If she were my friend, I would make it my life’s mission to train her tongue to permanently reside in her mouth. And yes, perhaps her wardrobe is a bit heinous, but honestly, if I had a body like that, I would wear a nude colored bodysuit too. Every single day. To the mall, to the grocery store, to work. I’d throw a blazer on it, call it business casual. Miley is misguided for sure (I mean, Billy Ray is her dad… talk about traumatizing), but she isn’t the devil. And let’s not pretend like she doesn’t make great jams. Party in the USA was my anthem for a solid four years of college, and I’ve seen full-grown men lose their s*** when a Wrecking Ball remix comes on at da club. Leave her alone, she deserves to twerk in peace like the rest of us.
You can only eat so much quinoa before a part of your soul dies. Every week I come across a new article “uncovering” nasty ingredients in my favorite guilty pleasures. So it turns out that “meat glue” is in Chicken McNuggets. Well, I’m not exactly sure what “meat glue” is, but I know that it tastes really good at 3am on a Saturday. I don’t deny that it’s bad for you, but I don’t think anyone pulls into a drive thru and thinks to themselves, “Hmm, I wonder what kind of nutrients I’m about to consume!? I bet this meal is in accordance with that food pyramid I learned about in grade school. Ketchup counts as serving of vegetables, right?” I’m all for making healthy choices, but if I use a Crunchwrap Supreme as a coping mechanism once a month, I don’t think I should have to answer to the #Paleo living, Cross-fit loving, food police. Let’s accept Mickey D’s and friends for what they are: junk, and let’s move on.
Regardless of gender, race, or politics, Americans tend to unite under three common interests: music, sports, and hate for the Kardashian family. I’ve never understood this. Perhaps it’s because I’ve spent far too many hours of my life getting sucked into Kardashian marathons on the E! Network, and so I feel a sort of kinship toward the “Dash” clan that only exists in my head. Regardless, I’m going to make a statement that probably has never been said, ever. The Kardashians are geniuses. Like, Brilliant. Take an introductory marketing class, and tell me that Kardashian brand isn’t valuable. You can’t. That doesn’t make them less annoying, I’ll give you that. But the whole argument that Kardashians are famous for no reason is flawed. They are famous because Kris Jenner is a branding mastermind, and frankly, I’m kind of jealous. I’d love nothing more than to fly around the world promoting lip gloss, or a sock line, or whatever they’re up to these days. Ultimately, Kim & Krew are pretty harmless and we could probably find a better group of people to hate. Might I suggest the people who fully recline on domestic flights? Like chill out, we’ll be on the ground in an hour, no need to go all narcoleptic on me. I did not invite you to lay your head on my lap, please sit up.
Other cyberbullying victims that we should leave alone:
- Bieber, he can’t help it, he’s Canadian.
- Canadians… but Rob Ford didn’t help their case. Please continue to bully him.
- The Obamacare website, jk. But I am sick of hearing about it. Solution: Zuckerberg- take one for the team, and have the
nerdscapable people at Facebook fix it. Based on my extensive knowledge of coding (aka I’ve seen The Social Network) I feel like this could be fixed within an hour. This is my contribution. You’re welcome, America.