A Guide to Going Home for Thanksgiving

 Thanksgiving has always been my favorite holiday.  I mean, any day revolved around eating so much that you put yourself into a mashed potato-induced coma is a great day in my book. Family, friends, and food are the holy trinity of happiness, and then add the fact that the whole house smells like a Pumpkin Spice Latte… Thanksgiving wins. But going home for Thanksgiving isn’t always rainbows and butterflies pilgrims and turkey (?) (yeah, I don’t know). In many cases, this is the first time you’ve seen your extended family in months, and while you know they’re coming from a good place, you spend most of dinner answering some pretty painful questions. This guide should help you navigate the conversation.

                                                        

Question: “Are you seeing anyone? Why don’t you have a boyfriend?”

Translation: ”So…are you a lesbian, or what?”

What you want to say:  ”For the hundredth freaking time, no. I don’t. Why? I don’t know? Maybe because… nobody likes me?!  Maybe because spending my Friday evening watching re-runs of The Mindy Project with a tub of Ben & Jerry’s sounds more appealing to me than putting on real pants and pretending to be charming for three hours… Back off.”  

What you should say: ”No, not right now, I’m really focused on work.” Smile. “Could you pass the gravy?”

                                                        

Question: “How’s work going?”

Translation: Either, “I don’t understand what you do” or “Your chosen career path is unpractical, and you’re probably never going to make any money.”

What you want to say: ”Mmm, it’s fine.  When am I eligible for retirement, again?”

What you should say: It’s great, I’m learning a lot! How are things with you?

                                                        

Question: “Have you lost weight?”

Translation: “You’re only kinda fat.”

What you want to say: “Are we gonna play this game every year?  My weight fluctuates, okay?”

What you should say: Laugh politely. “Maybe a few pounds.”  Try not to go back for thirds.

                                                        

Question: “Does anybody want more wine?”

Translation: “This conversation is too boring to have sober.”

What you want to say: “Yeah, why don’t you just do me a favor and leave the bottle next to me.”

What you should say: “I’ll take a little.”

                                                        

Question: “You really like that pumpkin pie, huh?”

Translation: “Is that your fourth or fifth piece, fatty?”

What you want to say: “Alright Aunt Susan, you ain’t a size 2, let’s mind our own business.”

What you should say: “So good! Did you make this from scratch?!”

                                                        

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More, please.

Good luck and happy Thanksgiving!

                                                        

Unrelated, thanks for reading ATN! I’m new to the blogosphere (ew) and I so appreciate your sharing, liking, reblogging, posting, etc! 

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