Living with Lindsay Lohan, and the 9 Other Roommates You’ve Probably Had

By our early twenties, most of us have had our share of interesting roommates.  In college, you decided to live with a group of good friends- and for the most part, it was really fun.  But many of us quickly came to the realization that we might’ve been better off in a single dorm, so you and your Nutella could live in peace. Postgrad, your roommate standards are significantly lower- maybe you find someone on Craigslist, or a mutual friend sets you up.  The first conversation usually goes something like this:

“You’re fun, you’re normal, we should totally live together!”

“Yeah!”

And then six months later it’s “how in the hell am I going to make it through a 12 month lease with this psychopath?”

Maybe, like me, you are one of the lucky ones, and you generally get along with your roommates.  But we’ve all heard the horror stories.  Living with someone teaches you a lot about them, and maybe even more about yourself.  Roommates come in all shapes and sizes, but I’ve identified what I think are the ten most common roommate types. See if you can identify any of yours.

The Hot Mess:  The dishes could be in the sink for months, and it wouldn’t bother the Hot Mess.  You don’t shop at JC Penny’s, but the HM’s bedroom looks very similar to what you imagine the JCP fitting room looks like when the attendant is on her lunch break. Disaster. The Hot Mess is easy to track because she usually leaves a trail of trash.  If you’ve never seen your roommate with a broom, vacuum, Swiffer, or laundry basket, she is definitely a Hot Mess. The HM claims she’s unorganized, but she isn’t dirty.  You aren’t buying it.

The Walmart: Is cheap. To an extent, you admire the Walmart, because unlike you, she is able to keep her savings (and dignity) intact when Kate Spade is on Haute Look.  But it gets annoying when Walmart mysteriously never has cash when it comes time to pay for the taxi.  And it’s not like she doesn’t have money, she’d just rather have you spend yours than she spend hers.  Rude.

The Taylor Swift: Taylor is excessively nice, like so SO nice.  To your face.  And then she’ll go around telling everyone and their mother about your drama.  The issue is, you never realize there is a problem, until she finally explodes.  And then you decide you should never, ever, be her roommate again. Her passive aggressive style is exhausting, and you know when she sweetly says “are you wearing that tonight?!” what she really means is “that is the ugliest thing I’ve ever seen.”

The TV Guide: You start to wonder if TV Guide is capable of getting off the couch.  Perhaps she has some sort of walking issue.  Or maybe, she is just REALLY LAZY.  She often communicates like this: “Did you see PLL last night? And OMG, New Girl was so good.  Ugh, I can’t wait for Mad Men to come back.”  And God forbid you wanted to watch anything, because we all know the living room is her turf.  Occasionally she’ll opt for a change of scenery and get off the couch… to go lie down in her bed and hack into her parent’s Netflix account.  You won’t see her for hours on end.

The One Who Can’t Be Alone:  

“Hey I’m running to the grocery store, do you want to come?”  

“No thanks, I got groceries the other day”

“Well, do you want to come anyway?”

“Uh, no”

“Please?”

TOWCBA is harmless, but can be a nuisance.  And while you appreciate the fact that she wants to spend time with you, sometimes a girl likes to fly solo.

The Lindsay Lohan:  Like Drake, The LL’s motto is YOLO.  The way she sees it, Thursday nights through Saturday nights are for partying, and Sundays through Wednesdays are for sleeping.  She can be a little promiscuous, and while part of you is all “you go, girl!” another part of you wants to remind her of the 7th grade Health Class STD slideshow seared in the back of your brain.  If you live with a Lindsay, you’ve probably gotten Saturday morning texts like, “I’m not exactly sure where I am, but I really need you to come pick me up.”

The “She Doesn’t Even Go Here”: This person is not even really your roommate.  At least, she doesn’t pay rent.  She’s always over, though. She’s almost always invited to movie nights and pregames, and although she eats your food, she’s a great person to vent to about your other “real” roommates.  Keep her around.

The Ghost:  Maybe it’s her crazy work schedule, her needy boyfriend, or maybe she simply doesn’t like you, but The Ghost is never around.  She rarely keeps any food in the house, but you think that jar of pickles in the back of the fridge might be hers.  Living with a Ghost has its perks- free reign to the apartment, and she still has to pay rent.   Remember though, if she turns up, technically she has as much right to the apartment as you do.

The Scholar:  This overachiever is always bringing her work back to the apartment, and only works in the living room.  You try and hint that this place called Starbucks exists, but she isn’t very receptive.  Her constant busyness makes you feel guilty that you aren’t doing anything.  You get on your computer with the intention of catching up on emails, only to flip between your Buzzfeed and Facebook tabs for the next three hours.

The Chosen One:  This roommate reports to a higher power.  She spends her Sundays at church, while the rest of us are trying to detox the tequila out of our system via Egg McMuffins.  You always wonder if she’s judging you for only following like 5 Commandments at any given moment. She’s great if you’re ever having trouble, she can give you the Holy perspective.   Your parents love her.  

The Dependent:  The Dependent is constantly asking for favors.  Maybe its $20 or a ride to the airport, but it’s always something.  At first you’re happy to help, because “what goes around, comes around,” and then it never “comes around.”  And you start feeling like you’re the only one putting effort into this relationship… and then you realize you can never say that because it sounds so dramatic.  So you just put up with it. 

*DISCLAIMER: The following post is fictional and does not depict any actual former roommates of the writer.

Just kidding, this 100% about you.  You’re all crazy.  

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