25 Guys I Can’t Date

The problem with being twentysomething, is that you’re trying to kickstart a career on top of, you know, finding a life partner.  Lots of expectations, and I’m not really interested in just “settling”… in either subject.  

You could make the argument that I shouldn’t be so picky on the husband front, since guys aren’t exactly lining up at my doorstep. You could also argue that wearing socks with sandals is a criminal offense, and that you’d rather die alone than date a guy that dresses like Jesus. 

Obviously, I went with the latter.

So, having committed to a life of being perpetually single, I hereby declare I cannot date any guy who: 

Wears cargo shorts.

Takes issue with the fact that I spend the better part of my weekend on a Netflix binge.

Makes a habit of eating kale. 

Has ever voted/would ever vote for for Rick Perry.

Drives a VW Beetle, PT Cruiser, or MINI Cooper.

Keeps the temperature above 74 degrees.

Uses PCs because he thinks Macs “don’t make sense.” (YOU DON’T MAKE SENSE)

Incorporates words like “yo,” “dude,” or “playa” in to his daily vocabulary.

Has a cat. Sorry.

Texts in code. (srsly)

Thinks there should be a White Entertainment Television Channel (and honestly, W.E.T.? Gross.)

Decorates his walls with pictures of naked chicks. Yeah Kate Upton, I’m looking at you.

Would respond in the affirmative to the question “Would you like to go to a Fall Out Boy concert?”.

Frequently orders drinks that start with “frapp-” or ones that end with “-ita”

Only reads books written by JK Rowling. 


Tells me I should get ready faster.  (Uh, sorry I don’t want to look like I just arose from the dead, you’re welcome.)

Uses Sports Center as his only source of news. 

Quotes song lyrics in his Facebook status. 

Doesn’t like chocolate. (because at that point, what do we have in common??)

Chews with his mouth open.

Is rude to waiters.

Wears AXE body spray.

Doesn’t understand the cultural significance of shows like Sex and the City and SVU.

and, most importantly, I cannot date anyone who has ever owned a fedora. ever.


okay, maybe you. 

See you on eHarmony.


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